...and so, another comrade falls. An aussie friend of mine coined a phrase which he related to his experiences with therapy: "Pushing shit uphill". I think that this is equally applicable to being involved in the production and distribution of independent music in the late 00's. I know Mr Trick, Needlework's cofounder and main dude pretty well. I know the amount of work that he has put into making it work. Now let's be clear here folks, Needlework was not some ultra leftfield experimental drones label or a quick hit, zeitgeist capturing label of the moment. It was a solid beats label in the ninja/BD/Tru Thoughts/Grand Central/mowax mould. The lead material they released was accessible, even populist in places and should have appealed to the legions of people that consume Shadow, RJD2 and Quannum type records. They had a strong brand, a strong roster (2Tall and Waxfactor especially) and, in Mr Trick, a label manager that works within the wider industry and knows his potatoes.

That he has chosen to close the curtain on a promising label like Needlework because, at the end of the day, it's more hassle than it's worth, speaks volumes to me about where we are currently at as a culture in relation to music. The debate about music's devaluation and the effect of downloading, of the collapse of distribution channels, of the death of the independent record shop, of the homogenisation of mainstream music and of the watering down of independent music as every artist in the world, big or small, clamours for marketshare, is one which is neverending at the moment, and to be honest, I don't have the patience to fully explain my position. Only to say that it is a sad day to lose another great independent, and I wish Trick and all Needlework's artists the very best for the future.

As for me, I'm currently preparing to finish the recordings for our new album. Things have changed a lot for us over the last few weeks. I've gone through personal turmoil, as have some of my collaborators, the shape of the live act has changed and we have effectively gone to ground. It remains to be seen what effect this has on the final product, although right now, i'm feeling like it's positive. I'm very much looking forward to getting Jude's vocals down on the ever changing "Leaving Alpha" this weekend and shall report back throughout the process.

It's funny how things being bleak can be exactly the energy injection one needs to sort out what needs sorting out...

Life, as I used to often say to my ex, is *so* hard...

Back from Rome...and in typical Andy style I probably have more to say about how crap things are here instead of how fantastic the Eternal City was. Before we get onto that though, Rome...Fantastic. Absolutely awe-inspiring in places in fact. I long suspected that Rome would be my kind of place, but I wasn't really expecting what I encountered. I suppose I was expecting a pretty standard European city with a few antiquities dotted around the skyline. What I found was a city that hasn't allowed itself to be compromised in any way by the way we live now, but has instead bent the lifestyles of it's citizens and visitors to its own will. The saying "when in Rome" has never been more valid for me.

And so I returned to London and, as soon as I stepped on my £15 train back to Liverpool Street my heart felt heavy. I don't know if I can do this London thing any more. I met Sam at the station and went for a bite to lunch next to Spitalfields market in practically the only remaining independent coffee shop in that area. We looked out onto the newly globalised market, at the slick metal and glass and branded chains and I remarked that finding La Dolce Vita in London would be an almost impossible task now. Anyway, photos and more to follow but I'd just like to thank my friend Lisa for being fantastic company over the weekend - the terrace of the big white building is something that i shall treasure for some time.

I have had an extremely testing week since returning from Rome (I actually wrote the above last week). I have made some horrific errors of judgement that have severely hurt some people that I love. I have failed to address things that I needed to address and actually got to the point where I was so disconnected from reality that I had to force a friend to talk me down. I need to communicate this stuff and I can't do so publically because it's just not fair, and I can't do amongst my friends because I don't think that the friendships are strong enough to support what it will need (this I have discovered) so i'm doing something that I never thought I would do - I'm going to see a therapist. This is weird for me, as anyone that knows me well knows. For starters, i'm stubbornly independent. Secondly, having cared for someone for a long time that went through various channels of the mental health system, i'm a little frightened about what I might uncover. Thirdly, i'm worried that it will reinforce, rather than relieve, some of the feelings of low self-esteem that I have been suffering from lately and this may not be a good thing. Still, many of my friends think that this is the way forward and, after the way I was last friday where doing something silly seemed like sweet music, it may actually be what is required.

In the meantime, I am keeping my distance from people that I've pushed away with the ferocity of my frustrations and hope that, in time, we can talk of tigers and poems and wonderful things in the world once more.

Getting me through the week: Katy Carr - Moscow Child and Hush the Many - Paper Doll. Beautiful music heals everything for me. x

once again, apologies for no updates. i've had an intensely emotional week this week, rather unexpectedly. worries and fears and insecurities all coming loose and my head mice (as my friend Sarah calls them) deciding to completely go nuts like it's a cheese festival or something.

the ties that bind us and what happens when those ties break. for many reasons it's not appropriate to go into the details, but suffice to say it's about when close friendships break apart and you lose a little part of yourself and then you get on with things and think nothing of it and then something happens and you are forced to come to terms with truths about it, and yourself. I felt so broken yesterday.

i'm going to Rome tomorrow with a friend of mine and, whilst i'm greatly looking forward to it in some respects, I'm now fearful that I won't shake this ill feeling and end up throwing myself to the lions. they do still have lions in that arena thing right? Joking aside though, right now I can barely pull myself away from my desk. had to go to the docs this morning and ended up missing another day of work.

I have discovered a new strategy for my music though which i'm going to put into practise from next week. And I have a new guitar.

On my return from the eternal city, I shall have photos, sunburn, hopefully a sunnier disposition and tales of musical plans and how i'm going to get myself sorted.

until then, Ciao...

not written anything in my blog
not had much sleep
been to see Philip Glass's Satyagraha(cheers Mum for the tipoff, it was utterly captivating)with Sam at the ENO
had some very intense phonecalls
booked tickets to go to Rome with a new friend in two weeks
remixed a seminal AI-era techno track for a seminal AI-era record label
bought a new DSLR camera
written a cracking new electronica track that might end up being the gem of the album
been completely ignored by callum
cried a bit
finally had Viv round for dinner, then bored her silly with headstuff
performed The Shining to a capacity crowd at the frankly awesome Roxy Bar and Screen
seen Hush the Many, A Silver Mt Zion, Sonver and Feedle play live
done my first proper piano practise in months
cooked my best risotto yet
bought the 65daysofstatic album just so I could read my credit

more on some of these things in the week.

I've had such a good week. I'm just taking half an hour out of my spring cleaning to write this. My room was actually getting a little out of hand. It's only very small and, althuogh I have a seperate studio room and then the shared spaces of the flat, it exists in a fragile balance of order and chaos and lately it had slipped into chaos.

There's something cathartic about throwing lots of stuff out. So far, i've thrown about 20% of my clothes, magazines, flyers, letters, promo cdrs, an old bag, a couple of posters and a box full of wire coathangers that I have never used. I'm not one to hold onto stuff a lot. My equipment, records and books are really the only things that have travelled around with me.

Anyway, i'm in an incalculably good mood this morning as I potter around with Prefuse 73 banging out of the stereo. Sunshine brings out all the happy tunes. I played at the ICA the other night as part of the Society for the Promotion of New Music experiemtnal electro-acoustic night. The tunes were really abstract and avant-garde in the main room, so I thought that I would play some of the more leftfield sections of my record collection. The kind of thing that you wouldn't normally play out. All was well until someone asked me for the Jackson 5. Now I'm no DJ snob at all and she was really polite and if it'd been the Big Chill Bar or somesuch, then I would have happily obliged...but this was the Institute of Contemporary Art! I'm a little weirded out that she thought that she was ever likely to hear the Jackson 5 at an event like that. Maybe if I'd stuck it through a bit crusher and granuliser!

Anyway, i'ts about time I did another mix I think and most of the ones I did last year were quite melancholy and introspective. Ninjatune are having a Summer tune cd swap thing so I think I might try and find some happy electronica (no really, it does exsist) to play in the sunshine.

In the meantime, and because I don't think I've ever posted it, here is a ringtone for you. It's a very old track which I spruced up because I wanted to use it myself having gotten bored of the 24 tone. enjoy.

http://www.digitonal.com/pirt.mp3