My therapist says that I need to hold back on discussing things that I hate so that I don't reinforce my tendency towards cynicism. But then you come across this gem from the masters of ignorance, The Daily Mail, and it's hard to know where to start:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=468633&in_page_id=1879

I wonder if whoever commissioned this exceptionally revolting piece of stereotyping is proud of it? I wonder if they realise just how much they actively devalue the experience of living on this planet? I wonder if they realise the impact that their casually offensive generalisation has on the other human beings that have to share the streets of these cities, knowing that they are judged in that manner? I wonder how such arrogance has led them to believe that such a view of other people is even remotely acceptable within any kind of civilised society?...and I wonder, particularly, why so many people seem to agree with it? Yes Mark in Rugby, I'm talking to you.

Far from thinking that this rag is worthy of any further vitriol, i'm now convinced that it's actually a danger to my mental health. It causes me huge anxiety to think that this kind of thinking may be even remotely acceptable, let alone mainstream. What the hell is going on in the world? This kind of blanket cariacature is absolutely analagous to those of Uncle Tom and Black Sambo that would now be vilified if published in a national newspaper. It is simply horrific.

Absolutely shocking and they should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

ha! typical of me to be melodramatic. Of course it was absolutely fine. I left hospital yesterday a little dazed and confused from the operation and a bit sore and tired, but otherwise, absolutely fine. Major props to the staff of the Morley Atkinson ward of St George's Tooting, especially nurse Holly whom I'm willing to bet gets marriage proposals on a weekly basis. Hell I nearly threw one in myself.

So yes, i'm back at home recuperating now to the sounds of Max Richter and tending to the gash in my neck. I won't have the results back for another week or so, so it's another agonising wait. Anyway, lovely Sam and my Aunt Caroline kindly looked after me and made sure I got home ok and my flatmates are keeping me in bowls of soup and restful tunes. I'm supposed to be back at work tomorrow, but i'm thinking that working from home may be the way forward as whenever I put too much strain on myself I feel dizzy.

I suppose that I should do some work on the album this week as well...

hey ho and back to reality...nurse!!

Back into hospital yet again. :o(

After months of things just ticking along I've been summoned once more to the darkened corridors of St George's Tooting, this time to have a mediasteinoscopy. Basically, this involves them making a 2inch incision in my throat, just above my collarbone, and inserting a camera and pincers that will reach into my mediastinum and grab a sample of lymph tissue which they can then biopsy to definitively see whether or not I have Sarcoidosis. It'll be the first time I've been under a general so I'm a bit nervous. Coupled with all of this, I've also started on some medication which has made me feel very weird indeed - headspinny, clammy and often nauseous. These are all known side effects until the drug settles down a bit but it's a bit weird sitting at my desk at work, effectively feeling like i've just done MDMA. I don't want to be broken anymore. It feels like everything this year has been a struggle against the tide and I want to come out of the other side again.

I'm going in on Thursday and will hopefully be out the next day (not least because my friend and collaborator Gee is getting married on Saturday)...fingers crossed.

Things that are cheering me, despite my ill health:

My two charming new flatmates, Laura and Phil.
The string recordings I did with Samy last week and the general development of the album.
Katy Carr's wonderful album, Screwing Lies.
Playing Debussy on my new piano.
Reading John Bainville's The Sea and DBC Pierre's Vernon God Little (two Booker prize winners back to back!) and rediscovering a love for literature.
Writing musical notation again.
Classical music - most notably Philip Glass' Satyagraha and the works of William Byrd.
Kind thoughts from my family.

Last night, Josh came round and we drank cocktails and wrote techno whilst also talking at length about the state of things (as outlined for me in my previous post) and in particular the state of media. Now I'm in a bit of conflict here since a massive, international, rightwing (it's probably fair to say) and very commercially driven media company effectively keeps me in nice flats in Battersea and all the kit I need to make this music work, but at the same time, I'm getting increasingly sick of what passes as news these days. Specifically what is pissing me off is political reporting, accountability and those "checks and balances" that politicians and CEOs are so fond of using as an excuse for deregulation. However, I normally declare a conflict of interest at this stage and give up my argument in the hope that some more impartial and learned than me will continue.

Then this turns up on Holy Moly yesterday (know your enemy ;o). Mental innit. Pulizter to Pap in 35 years. The BAe scandal I refered to earlier alone should be enough to prompt a serious Watergating from the press...what the hell are all these journos doing? They can't all be writing about Paris and little Maddie...can they?

*trundles off to leave a copy of All the President's Men in a prominent place on the desk of the head of News*

meh, pleh and all things hmph.

What is it about returning to London that just makes my heart sink? Spent the weekend down on the frankly stunning Dorset coast - the isle of Purbeck to be precise - drinking cider, enjoying some fine company, laughing a lot and listening to some lovely music (especially Alucidnation's set which was just about the most perfect soundtrack to a Saturday afternoon in a coastal pub that I can imagine) at the Chilled Cider event at the Square and Compass in Worth Matravers. It was much fun and a welcome distraction from the stress of the last few weeks. I spent most of the journey back to London musing on how I might be able to shift careers into something that would enable me to sustain myself in a rural location. I'm absolutely convinced that it's what I want now. Although I've been a city slicker a long time, I'm just no longer convinced that it's worth it.

In my most acute moments of existential angst, I feel like we've lost something fundemental. That the ideological battle one might fight against the forces of commerce and ignorance simply exists to make us feel like there's hope where all hope has vanished. Actually, you know what, i'm not even going to get into that one cause i'll just depress myself even more than I already am. Suffice to say, I've just finished reading an expose on the arms trade and subsequently read that BAe are unlikely to be prosecuted for anything. Which brings us full circle to general "what's the fucking point of doing anything" vibes and that all I really want in life now is to live somewhere beautiful, to interact with this society's idea of what is culturally resonant or interesting (i.e. Big Brother and Jamie fucking Callum) as little as possible and to basically be a grumpy old man with his tunes, his cat and his studio (and probably no wife judging by my current form), and live out whatever life I have left away from the mainstream.

God I'm such a little ray of sunshine at the moment...;op

Next week, we start the arduous process of recording the album. We've just spent a sizable percentage of our modest advance on a really good mic rather than spunk it all on a couple of recording studio sessions (London studio hire being only slightly cheaper than dental work), so that we've got the time to get everything right. At this point I'd normally make some claim about how i'll blog the whole process, but let's face it, i'm not very good at keeping this up to date regularly am I? I mean, where the hell are my Rome photos for instance (sorry Lise!)? Still, I shall see what I can do...